BACK TO RECENT ARTICLES
		HOME
			DO AS I SAY EMILY POST NEGLECTED TO DETAIL HOW TO HANDLE SEX DURING YOUR PERIOD, QUEAFING AND OTHER MODERN-DAY DILEMMAS. TRUST MISS KATY MCCOLL TO GUIDE YOU. Date: 01-Nov-02 Byline: Katy McColl With love and gratitude, I dedicate this work to my mother, who did not let me chew gum, lest I sound like "a cow walking through mud." Chapter 1: Entertaining at Home Gentle reader, this section is not intended for ladies with delicate sensibilities, or their mother superiors, as it concerns intimate matters, not the minutiae of tea dances or the use of fish forks. When bedding down during your period, consider the laundress. If either of your mothers will be stripping the linens afterward, please do get to know each other somewhere else and avail yourself of one of those Instead SoftCups, which collect a young woman's flow and can be worn during the act. If lodging at a hotel, motel or inn with more than six rooms, proceed indeed, leaving a $5 tip for the housekeeper. I assure you the help there has seen worse. 'Tis always polite to explain your condition in advance with, "Darling, I'm a touch crimson tonight," lest your lover worry that his or her genitalia is what is bleeding. Do not emulate one debutante I know who acts shocked and exclaims, "Look what you've done to me!" each month. If you happen to walk in on your significant other flagrante delicto with someone else, close the door, pack a chic weekend bag and leave. You may perform one small vengeful act while waiting for your ride, so long as you set nothing on fire. In general, the bedroom is where simple courtesies and pleasantries are most necessitated. For example, even though everyone knows there is nothing shameful about masturbation, there are those who will be embarrassed if you witness their solo act unannounced. If the self-pleasuring person is someone whom you've had the pleasure of pleasuring, you should remove your clothing (or at least your chapeau) as encouragement. Clapping is always nice. If the heaving person is someone whom you do not want to regard as having any sexual impulses whatsoever, such as the sweaty manager of Dunkin' Donuts, it is best to beg pardon and take leave. Never speak of it again. The next time you meet, however, you should be sure to touch his or her forearm to show that you're not clucking, "Dirty heathen!" to yourself. Racy telephone conversations may occur as often as you see fit. Bear in mind, however, that call-waiting is not to be answered. And hanging up before your friend has enjoyed a denouement, if you will, is unacceptable. Finally, no matter how deserted the gas station or company break room may appear, please resist conducting these tete-a-tetes from public telephones. If you are a person who emits curious noises during intercourse (rhymes with chief, in crude parlance), you might be tempted to offer a feeble "Goodness, I never!" explanation. Do not. You ought never to apologize for anything that happens in the boudoir. Nor should you refrain from asking for exactly what you want, so long as you say please and thank you. Chapter 2: Introductions and Public Protocol While it is helpful to know that the admiral should be placed to the right of the hostess, seating charts won't save you when your consort's father comments lecherously on your gams. If a family member of your lover makes unwanted advances, execute an act of mild violence -- drink in face, for one. The perpetrator of the pass may simply be testing you to find out if you're as loose as everyone says. Once you've taken the appropriate action, never speak of it again.S When declining dates, you have two options: "No [dramatic pause]. But thank you for asking." Or "No, I have wrist pain. But thank you for asking." Though the latter leaves a dangerous door open to subsequent make-out-party invitations and the like. When hostessing a gala at which most of the guests in attendance are former paramours, you are to introduce past lovers to current ones thusly: "Blaine, this is Maximilian. Blaine likes to call out rugby terms at the oddest moments! And Maximilian bakes a divine souffle." If you overhear one of your significant other's family members saying something cruel about you, like "I'd sooner disinherit Thayer than let him marry that harlot from Charlotte," you must pretend you didn't hear or that you are too stupid to follow words in rapid succession. If the offending statement occurs within 72 hours of your Wedding Day, you may instead say something histrionic like, "You'll never see our children. Never!" Preferably before fainting. Though if you faint and inadvertently drool on the carpet, send a note apologizing -- not for the outburst, but for the mess -- within 36 hours of your collapse. Chapter 3: The Elegant Wedding It's never too late to back out of the Big Day, provided you furnish your parents, your guests and your intended with an acceptable excuse (an unspeakable rash, perhaps, or wrist pain). If you change your mind well in advance, do send engraved, ecru monogrammed note cards to your guests. "Wedding's off. I couldn't possibly," should suffice. If you back out within 24 hours, please see below: THE FOUR CANCELLATION CALLS YOU NEED TO MAKE ON YOUR WEDDING DAY Chapter 4: Getting Ahead in Business I simply abhor dispensing advice on visualizing efficiency, so let us return to the so-called good stuff. There is no reason one shouldn't be able to navigate a liaison with one's boss with the same aplomb as an ordinary affair. First and foremost, be discreet. You don't want to make your coworkers hate your guts. And if you conduct your affair on the premises, I assure you they will. Personally, I always found it traumatic to attend campus newspaper meetings after learning that my editor had christened the table we sat at with her protege. It is also inappropriate to fashion a makeshift top from your boss's most distinctive scarves or neckties just because you are too lazy to pop by your place for a change of clothes. If sleeping with one's superiors is how all pert young things advance in your office (how lucky you are to live in Europe!), be sure your work is unimpugnable should the relationship sour. The real dilemma comes, however, when a boss or coworker rebuffs your advances. Perhaps you are at a conference and you call his or her hotel room and say, "There is a wedge of imported Brie on my stomach, and nothing would please me more than to have you savor it." And he or she responds, "Why are you being so weird?" It is difficult to imagine anyone being able to resist your charms or, for that matter, a good cheese course, but there is no accounting for taste. In such cases, it is best to pretend that your invitation (much like your offer to embroider ducks on his or her underpants) was meant platonically. After all, this is how things are done on the Continent, where, unlike your colleagues, you have spent a great deal of time. In fact, given the rich variety in cultural customs, whenever you make a so-called misstep you would do very well to toss it off with a distracted, "Oh, how odd. I must have picked that up somewhere in my travels..." Chapter 5: Coming Out Into Society Though I was not formally introduced to society, I know that ladies cross their legs at the ankle, not the knee. This timeline, however, deals with women who uncross their legs. For other women. Any resemblance to actual debutantes, living or dead, is purely coincidental. One year before: Desist from dating, accepting engagement rings from and generally carrying on with male suitors. Allowing your parents to set you up with your uncle's law partner's son will only discredit your cause in the long term. Trim hair and nails. Six months before: Introduce romantically ambiguous vagaries into everyday conversations ("Hetero sex: What a bore!"). Even if your family finds this level of graphic disclosure uncomfortable, it is the most graceful way to indicate that your needs bleed into the sapphic. Resole boots and have cobbler condition all leather belts and wallets. Three months before: Embark upon an actual homosexual experience, if you haven't already. Oh, how we laughed at the "lesbians" in college who'd never kissed girls! Remember that your announcement may traumatize your grandmother. Therefore, you have no right to force strap-on into her lexicon until you've sealed the deal with a real girl. Darn socks and sweaters. The day of: Speak simply. Explain that men are "not our kind." While your parents run out to buy one of those unspeakably banal "How to talk to your homosexual child" manuals, you can take five with your girlfriend, giggling with relief that the worst has passed. Chapter 6: At Times of Loss and Grieving Indeed, death is terrible. But let us not trouble ourselves with the mortal passing of others for now. Especially when so many readers are slumped over their kitchen tables, wiping away tears with spaghetti-stained dishrags, over the untimely demise of a relationship. You may address a breakup letter using any off-color language you see fit, but writing to "John" -- unless that's actually his given name -- is embarrassingly uninspired. Should you feel compelled to enumerate everything that's wrong with him or her, be specific. Instead of "My needs aren't being met," explain that you detest listening to hour-long descriptions of last night's half-hour sitcoms. Oh, and it is perfectly reasonable, when dumping someone, to make love to them one last time. If you encounter an ex at a restaurant or party, nod or stop by his or her table on your way out. Do not plop, as it were, down and say, "Are you going to eat that?" If your ex has already moved in with someone else, but you still can't resist the rather indecorous urge to reheat and rehash, address all correspondence to your departed lover on the first line and "in care of Ms. Mary Ward" on the line below. Should you feel childish as well as pathetic, misspell Mary's name. Anything more -- such as casually playing pickup sticks in front of their house for 18 hours a day -- would be rather excessive. And, dear reader, once you've cleared the air, you must never, ever speak of this again. UNWANTED ADVANCES God help you if you look like the woman above. But even if you do, your lover's family members ought never touch your orange areas for more than three seconds. Touching your purple areas -- for any length of time -- is unacceptable. VOMITING IN PUBLIC Well-heeled oyster eaters who travel by way of chauffeured car are just as susceptible to losing their lunch as disgusting, drunken frat-head idiots. When vomiting in public, the key is to minimize its effects on those around you. Make use of all manner of handy receptacles: your linen napkin, chapeau, purse (nylon Prada bags are easiest to clean). If you are seated at a performance or on public transport, pretend to adjust your T-strap or smooth your stocking and let loose, as it were, below your seat, where no one will tread. PROPER SEATING AT A LATE-FALL SUPPER FOR 10 FRIENDS At any gathering, it is essential that you invite someone who is deaf in one ear. Then seat whomever you have a crush on between you and the half-deaf guest, to better showcase your witty repartee. Naturally, you have slutty friends, and it's always fun to watch them interact with people with whom they've had embarrassing one-night stands -- just don't place them next to people they're no longer speaking to. Otherwise, it's simply too cruel. Together, couples are a bore, so it's better to separate them, especially if you think they're better suited to other guests. Place moneyed friends next to starving artists, particularly if you feel guilty about missing their last three performances staged in the Stop and Shop parking lot. When in doubt, invite weirdos and serve copious amounts of wine. Now bring on the Jell-O salad. ABOUT THE AUTHOR Miss Katy McColl graduated from Smith College and attended cotillion at the Dallas Country Club. Her family settled in New England ages ago. She enjoys grooming her Labrador (Mason), fox-trotting and dining with her parents at the Harvard Club. Miss McColl resides in New York City and wears a collection of slightly soiled white kid gloves.